Conflicts of the Heart

Last night I saw an amazing movie called The Believer. It is the story of a Jewish boy, Danny, who becomes a neo-Nazi. The movie shows his intense hatred of Jews and the Torah, and his obsession with everything Jewish. But the most surprising part of the movie is in a scene where he joins his skinhead friends in desecrating a synagogue. They're throwing around prayer books, spray-painting swastikas, and mockingly parading around in prayer shawls. But when one of the group takes a Torah out of the ark, Danny suddenly seems overtaken by conflicting emotions. He seems unable to bear the sight of a Torah being desecrated, and a scuffle ensues between him and his friends when he tries to stop them, who are baffled by his sudden show of sensitivity to their most reviled objects.

Watching an interview with the director, Henry Bean, from the DVD's bonus features, there was one thing he said that struck me:

This notion that somebody wants to be a Jew and a Nazi--not reconciling or synthesizing, but in a certain sense, being pulled apart by them, and wanting to be pulled apart by them--struck me as a very universal impulse. Of course, not always expressed in Judaism and Naziism, but I think people are drawn to contradiction. There is someting very invigorating and stimulating about contradiction.

I often feel that impulse for contradiction in my life as a Chasidic Jew. I am repulsed by so much that I believe is wrong within the Chasidic community. But there is a lot that I love about it, too. I despise the tribalism, the indifference to the yearnings and aspirations, joys and sorrows of mankind as a whole. Their lack of respect for other sincere expressions of spiritual searching. The denial of the existence of good and truth among the nations.

But I also have a deep love and respect for the Chasidim's devotion to their lifestyle. I am touched by the reverence they display for their leaders. Their kindness and generosity are overwhelming, at least when benefitting their own. I love the spiritual warmth of Chasidim farbrenging together at a Shalosh Seudos meal, or a tzaddik's yahrzeit in song, storytelling, and divrei Torah. The Chasidic melodies have the power transform one to a world where only love and closeness to G-d exist.

I have in the past been labeled a "self-hating Jew" when criticising fellow Jews, a "Goy lover" when expressing a sympathetic view toward a non-Jew, or "Arab lover" when expressing an understanding for the plight of Palestinians. It pains me that people have such difficulty recognizing the humanity in other humans. But I still understand that urge, having been raised on stories about the world's injustices committed against our people. I am conflicted between the feelings of rage against those who have wished us harm for many centuries, and the feelings of love for humanity and the desire to live in a world of peace and harmony.

Life as a Chasid

People often email me, asking what it is like to live as a Chasid. I am fascinated by the questions sometimes. For outsiders it must seem so strange, so foreign.

If Chasidic life can be summed up in a word, it would be "invisible walls". (Okay, that's two words.) We live and work in or around population centers of mostly secular people, who are often urbane and cultured, but little of it rubs off onto us Chasidim. Take, for example, Chasidim in and around New York City. New Yorkers are, to many, the height of sophistication. There is art, culture, learning, and entertainment of the highest sort. But most Chasidim know next to nothing about those things. "Real" Chasidim don't know the basics of this nation's history; its legends, stories, and dreams that inspired Americans to create what this nation has become. Ask an average Chasid if he's heard the names Paul Revere, Mark Twain, or Davy Crockett, and he'll give you a blank stare.

What do we Chasidim know then? For one thing, we know the names and geographical locations of hundreds of cities, towns, and villages in Eastern Europe. Your average Chasidic ten year old could easily describe Jewish life in Galicia or Poland, but knows nothing about Jewish life in Manhattan's Upper West Side. Growing up as a child, the storybooks I would read would invariably involve colorful charcters from Crackow, Warsaw, Mezbiz, Mezrich, Anipoli, and a host of other cities and shtetls that sometimes felt more like home than my own neigborhood.

And then of course there's learning. Not science, literature, and arts, but Chumash, Talmud, and Chasidus. A Chasidic 13-year-old is proficient in a sizable amount of each Parsha (weekly Torah portion) with the major commentaries like Rashi and Ohr Hachaim, a few tractates of Mishna, and many pages of Talmud with Rashi and Tosfos. But he won't know that much about the three R's--reading, 'riting, and 'rithmatic. Chasidic yeshivos provide token secular education in the afternoons, some better than others. In some Yeshivos, the teachers are Hasidic young men who know little more than the students. Boys are expected to immerse themselves completely in Torah study from the ages thirteen until eighteen, when--G-d willing--they will find a suitable shidduch, and start raising a family. In a strange departure from other traditionalist cultures, girls receive a far better secular education than boys. Although they are not expected to be career women, many are expected to work to support their husbands studying in Kolel--at least for the first few years after marriage until the babies start coming.

With such a meager secular education, Chasidic men have few opportunities for professional careers. For a chasid to do well financially, he or she must almost always have an entrepreneurial streak. Others just struggle to get by with whatever jobs they could find. Those capable do well as salespeople and business managers. Store clerks and insurance salesmen are common as well. And then there's food stamps, WIC, medicaid, and section 8.

But most of my fellow Chasidim find that their life does not lack much. Unlike me, most are not tempted by the allures of the outside world. Life revolves around the Rebbe, the community, and the family. Gatherings in Shul each morning and evening for prayers also serve as a social event to exchange gossip, get updates on the latest news in the Chasidic world, and even arrange business deals. On Shabbos and Holidays, the Rebbe's tish is for many Chasidim an important event. For some it's another chance to shmooze and gossip. For others it provides the spiritual nourishment that gives Chasidim their spirit. Many will tell you that when Chasidim get together to sing zemiros, the warmth and the closeness make one forget all of his worldly troubles.

You may have noticed, I focused more on the men then on the women. If you're curious what life is like for that gender, I'll give you the honest answer: I don't really know. You'll have to ask them, because among Chasidim, the genders are completely separated except among close family. From when I was thirteen, talking to girls was to be kept to the absolute minimum. A good boy avoids such areas where he can encounter too many of the opposite sex. Of course, as I've grown older and exposed myself more to the forbidden knowledge of outside culture, I have come to learn a lot about women, but only non-Chasidic ones. The lives of the women around me still remain a mystery. What gives them the energy to cope with life's stresses? What are their joys and sorrows? Where do THEY get their spiritual fulfilment? For that, as Allison Kaplan Sommer says, we'll have to wait for the first female Hasidic Rebel.

Palestinians Protest Against Militants

The only thing I could say when I read this article was, "Wow!" I think I can honestly say that this is a first. Perhaps there is some hope. I know the cynics out there have very little hope that the Palestinians will finally figure out that terrorism is just hurting them and do someting about it, but I'm just looking for something positive to latch on to.

Hachilonim Ba'im

The latest suicide bombing in Jerusalem, is shocking and devastating. I had already started to be hopeful that maybe, just maybe, this "roadmap" thing will finally bring us some calm. Of course, this is an obvious attempt by those who would never compromise with Israel, to scuttle any chances for peace. But I had hoped, perhaps naively, that Abu Mazen and Dahlan would, at least now at the beginning, make sure that these attacks don't happen.

But what really hit me was the first photo I saw of the attack. (Thanks, Chaya, for pointing it out.) On the shattered bus, the ad on the side was clearly visible. It read, in large block type, "Hachilonim Ba'im!" (the secular are coming). I'm not sure who the ad was directed at; if it's the secular warning the religious, or the religious sounding the alarm, but whatever it was, the symbolism couldn't escape me. The image was almost screaming out, How can you fight amongst yourself so viciously when we both have a common much greater enemy. In the face of suicide bombings, the religious/secular grievances seem trivial.

Empty Streets and Black Hats

One late night last week, at around 11:30, I was walking along an empty street in midtown Manhattan. This street is usually bustling with frenzied business activity during the daytime; trucks and vans loading and unloading merchandise, vehicles honking at double-parked cars, businesspeople haggling over deals, and just regular folks down from the offices above for a smoke and a chat. But now there was no other human, and hardly another vehicle in sight. An occasional car would pass by, momentarily breaking the silence.

As always, I was wearing my usual Chasidic garb; long dark coat and round-brimmed black Chasidic hat. Suddenly a car came zooming up the street. As it passed, someone yelled out in my direction, "F***ing Chasidim!" The empty street and the eerie silence that followed made it feel even more ominous.

I wondered what went through that person's mind. Was it a Jew who hated Chasidim, or was it a non-Jew who hated all Jews and I, with my obviously Jewish apperance, was their representative? Or perhaps it was someone who just had one beer too many? And if so, does it mean that he is a suppressed antisemite, who is just able to better contain his hatred when sober? Or perhaps it was someone just out for fun; getting a kick out of scaring some timid Chasidic guy?

But the larger question in my mind was, what am I doing in 21st century America wearing this outlandinsh garb? Now, I know many of my fellow Chasidim, some of whom read this blog regularly, will pounce on this question with the standard rhetoric: that according to the Midrash even the Hebrews in Egypt distinguished themselves from the natives with distinctive names, language, and dress; that the traditional garb serves to separate us from them, therfore making sure we don't fraternize with those who might have an unwanted influence; that being instantly recognized as a Chasidic Jew keeps one from entering such places and establishments in which no religious Jew should ever find himself; and above all, we should be proud with our traditions and not feel embarrased or ashamed.

Now, I don't begrudge Chasidim the right to stick to their traditions in the face of ridicule and mockery. I admire those who really feel comfortable with themselves, as long as it's not expressed with a smug self-righteousness. But I don't feel that confidence in myself. I don't walk around saying to myself, "Damn the world, I am a Chasid and this is how I dress", the way others I know claim to do. And you know something. I have a sneaky suspicion that those who say it have a hard time believing it themselves.

On Wives and Debates

I was having a discussion with my wife the other day. I was telling her--to her great astonishment--that there are some outwardly Chasidic Jews who are complete apostates. They don't believe in G-d, they don't believe in the Torah, and they don't believe that G-d revealed himself to anyone at Sinai or at any other place.

My wife could not believe it. "Isn't it obvious that G-d exists? Don't they see the hand of G-d clearly in everything around them?"

I told my wife that I might explain to her how someone can fail to see it the way she does, but she would have to accept the possibility that she might be convinced that they are right. She thought for a moment and said in that case she'd rather not hear it.

Then she said something that startled me. "Why do people delve into these issues if it may bring them to doubt the authenticity of their beliefs?" she asked. A moment before she herself was curious about the heretic's reasoning. She had been so self-assured that there couldn't possibly be another way to see it, and that anything someone would say in defense of a heretical view would be utterly preposterous.

It is common for people of all creeds and faiths, both religious and secular, to see the way they were taught as the only logical way of thinking. You see it among the Orthodox, Conservative, and the reform; Christians and Muslims; Liberals and Conservatives; Israelis and Palestinians; they all obstinately stick to what was etched into their brains from infancy. It is rare that I see an argument where people actually dare to allow themselves to be convinced if the opposing argument is superior.

The way I see it, most debates are inherently dishonest. Why? Because very rarely do debaters come with the attitude of "Let the best argument win." They all want to be the winner. In a truly honest debate, both sides say, "Let's both put forward the best argument for our respective positions, let's examine both of them, and the most sensible one is the one each of us will accept." It is possible, of course, that in the end both would stick to their original argument. But the difference is, that each one came with a readiness to actually examine his or her own positions in a new light.

For those of you who are wondering, I do believe in G-d and I believe in the Torah, both the written and oral. But that's a topic for a whole other post.

And for those of you who asked, yes, my wife does read this blog.

Block Busted

Last night, like most Saturday nights, I went to Blockbuster to rent a movie. I am usually careful to conceal the video in a nondescript shopping bag when I go from my car to my house, lest any of my neighbors discover the forbidden contraband with which I am contaminating the pure streets of our Chasidic neighborhood.

But last night I forgot to bring along said concealment method, and as I stepped out of my car I slid the video under my arm trying my best to look natural. Two Chasidic men from my Shul were just then approaching. Attempting to avoid their prying eyes, I tried to hurry before they notice anything. Suddenly the video slipped out from under my arm to the ground behind me just as the two men walked past. They glanced down to see what fell as I scrambled to retrieve it, and then continued walking without a second glance. That's when I realized that to these men the familiar Blockbuster logo or the video case itself meant absolutely nothing. They probably never saw a video in their life; to them it could've been round, triangular, or octagonal.

Although most Chasidim wouldn't know a blockbuster video from a cereal box, they know enough to punish those who are said to be watching one. Should the community find out that I watch videos in my home, my children would be kicked out of school, their friends would be forbidden to play with them, whispers would be heard behind my back wherever I go, and my in-laws would demand that my wife to either put a stop to my sinful behavior or else...

In case you're wondering which video it was, it was Ben Hur--and I thought it was spectacular!

Eiruv in the Times

The New York Times is reporting on the Williamsburg eiruv controversy. I think the last line sums it up:

"They don't tolerate different ideas," a man who identified himself as Moshe Weiss said of the eruv's opponents. "Look at the commotion they cause when he says a different idea."

Maybe this controversy was worth it after all. At least one side is now feeling the effects of intolerance.

Rebels Galore

Of interest to Yiddish readers...

Guess what? It turns out that I'm not the only Hasidic Rebel! I discovered Katla Kanya, another Chasid blogging about his frustrations; the only caveat--it's in Yiddish. Now I know most of you don't understand it, but if you do, you're in luck, because this blog is one of the most witty and unique I've ever come across. If I have some time, I'll translate some stuff from there.

If you do check it out, look for the Fish Poem in the March archives, about the talking fish in New Square. If you're a Chasid and you know the inside New Square culture, you definitely don't want to miss it.

Who would've thought...

I just can't believe what this blog has turned into! I've been getting lots of email from fans and clitics alike. Links are pointing here from all over the blogosphere. AND it's been named Blog of the Week by Jewsweek.com. Thanks, guys!

One of my favorite blogs, Roger L. Simon, blogged about me as well. What's more, he compared it to the WHERE IS RAED? blog, which was run by the mysterious Baghdad blogger Salam Pax, who has disappered. Wow! I'm flattered! I just hope people will keep on coming for the plain boring posts, like my thoughts on Israeli/Palestinian stuff. After all, Chasidim are not that bad, for me to go on and on about them.

Three days ago, this blog had almost 500 visits after posting actively for only ONE week. Now, only three days later, we're close to 1,000! And to think that I assumed no one will ever discover this back-of-the-woods blog. How it was discovered by so many I'll never figure out. Strange world, indeed.

Tragedy in Boro Park

A heart wrenching story just occurred in Boro Park, the heavily Orthodox neighborhood in Brooklyn. An 11-month child has died and nine other children are hospitalized for fumes inhalation. Police have determined that it was not gas, and there was no carbon monoxide detected in the home.

My heart goes out to the families. Baruch Dayan Emes.

The Truth about Chasidim

Some readers emailed me their objections to my "attacks on the Chasidic community". I don't want to turn this blog into a debate forum about the merits and faults of the Chasidic community, but I feel I should explain my position a bit.

I currently live in a Chasidic community, and for all practical purposes, I am one of them. I know their strengths and their failings. The warmth and kindness found among many Chasidim is truly remarkable. Many have a fiery passion for the service of G-d which is nothing less than awe-inspiring. The level of respect that Chasidic children have for their elders is unmatched. The majority of the people are modest, sincere, and giving.

But their intolerance and lack of respect for other viewpoints is what I find truly disagreeable. Many harbor racist views, and hatred for all non-Jews is quite common. A couple of years ago, a non-Jewish person was killed in an accident in my neighborhood. One of my good friends' immediate reaction was, "A goy? Why should I care?" That feeling is all too common.

A couple of months ago, a Chasidic man was accused of having expressed heretic views about Judaism ("Apikorsus"). It was alleged that he had a circle of friends who shared these views and he was their leader. Some claimed he was having a bad influence on young impressionable youths. He was lured into an office for a supposedly friendly chat and beaten up. He was warned against reporting the perpetrators to the authorities, and threatened that if he did, information about him would be publicized that would shame him and his family and would effectively force him to leave his family and the community.

In Williamsburg, Satmar Chasidim have been known for their violence against any who disagre with their fierce anti-Zionist stance or any other of their fundamentalist views, for that matter. Witness the current conflict over the eiruv.

In one Chasidic community a new father declined to honor the community's Grand Rebbe with being Sandak at his son's Bris, opting instead to give his father, the child's grandfather, the honor, which was something completely unheard of in that community. The night before the Bris, the tires of this young man's car were slashed and his car windows were broken.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine was reading One People, Two Worlds (co-authored by an Orthodox Rabbi, Yosef Reinman, and a Reform Rabbi, Amiel Hirsch -- a topic for a whole other discussion) on his bus ride home from work. An acquaintance of his, a Satmar chasid, sat down next to him and inquired about what type of book he's reading. (He must have been horrified; a Chasid reading an English book, and one not printed by Feldheim or Artscroll, no less!) After explaining what the book was about, the Satmar Chasid started heatedly criticizing him for reading a book that could entertain the notion that a Reform rabbi would have something to offer in defense of his religious position. My friend decided not to argue and tried to just continue reading. The Satmar chasid started making a scene, and yelled "How could you read such a book? How could you be smarter than the Chasam Sofer who decreed that we should have no discussions with the Reform movement?" My friend could not get him to quiet down and just got off the bus.

There are many more stories; these are just a few that come to mind. Granted, these extreme acts are committed by individuals and the entire community should not be implicated. But the attitude is one that gives tacit approval to this kind of behavior.

It should also be noted that it is not the same among all Chasidim. Lubavitchers, although in my opinion quite ridiculous with their messianic claims about their Rebbe, is in general slightly more tolerant of other views and may have a bit more a worldly outlook. It should be noted that most Chasidim consider Lubavitchers to be "less Chasidic" than they are, since they are more lenient in matters of interacting with the outside culture. Not that they don't have their problems, but those are not the ones I'm complaining about.

Superhuman Courage

What an amazing story! A climber amputates his own arm with a pocket knife to free himself after his hand got pinned by an 800- to 1,000- pound boulder.

This man's will to live is inspiring!

So Far...

I've been actively posting on this blog for exactly one week and I've got almost 500 hits! Certainly beat my expectations. And not only that; some people are actually saying they like my blog :-). I'll do my best to keep it interesting.

The following are blogs that have already given me links or shout outs: Smart Genes, Israeli Guy, An Unsealed Room, Head Heeb, JewSchool, the yada, yada, yada blog. Thanks a lot, guys! (If I left someone out, please let me know.)

Surprise! Surprise!

After posting some comments here about Yossi Klein Halevi's book, guess who emailed me? Yossi Klein Halevi! After some back and forth emails it turns out he even knows my family.

Could life get any better?

Isranomics

I found this article about Israelis and their financial eccentricities hilarious.

On the Israeli bank overdraft:

In Israel, there is no stigma attached to being in overdraft. Israelis will proudly tell you that they’re deep in the red and by exactly how much. That’s right after they ask you how much your salary is, not to mention your mortgage, school fees and one of a thousand other questions that would be deemed insultingly personal anywhere else in the world.

He goes on to explain that Israeli credit cards are essentially debit cards that take advantage of your bank account's credit line:

You buy something, it comes off your checking account straight away, and it just keeps adding up and up and up. You can’t even bounce a check, for crying out loud! You wind up feeling so completely out of control, you figure why bother even trying?

And you ask why I love Israel?

Abuse Scandal

Some former students of Rabbi Matis Weinberg have come forward with sexual abuse allegations. (Thanks, Hershel!) Characteristically, many in the orthodox community are trying to hush it up, some out of fear for a "Chilul Hashem", and others are completely in denial about something like that being possible.

What the community needs to understand is that if this sort of behavior is not publicized and punished severly, it allows other such sick individuals to feel that they can get away with such despicable acts. While we need to be wary of frivolous accusations, we can NEVER dismiss them out of hand. The victim's psychological and emotional trauma that are the result of such abuse is an immense and horrible experience that no human being should have to suffer. I can only hope that people will start to realize the severity of these problems and address them accordingly.

Simple but Forceful

I found the following in an article by Yossi Klein Halevi, which I think is the most trenchant observation about Israel's moral position:

No conqueror ever feared, as Israel does, that by withdrawing from occupied territory it would risk not merely diminishment but destruction. Indeed, no country other than Israel faces enemies who refuse to acknowledge its simple right to exist.